Sunday, January 1, 2012

Next year's words await another voice.

Goodness, I've been away for quite a while. I'm sorry for this, but I'm not going to go on about it. I have something else to go on about.
*Warning* As it is New Year's Day, I had very little sleep last night, so I'm a little loopy, and possibly running on Coffee alone (Caffeine + very little sleep = Chatter-box Joy). But really that doesn't matter, and has nothing to do with what I have to say, but I'm telling you that anyway. Well, I told you that anyway.

What I have to say is that
a Brand. 

I know, I know, I'm not telling you anything you didn't know already, but this is a BIG DEAL. It's a HUGE deal. I am really excited about the fact that it is a Brand. Spanking. New. Bright, Shiny, Clean YEAR!

And, here's what I have to say about it:

     In my heart (and in yours too, I reckon...) there are two voices. One accuses, destructs, insults. Says, "You're not good enough. Your words aren't good enough. Your heart, your spirit -they're not pure enough." This voice says, "You can't."
     Another voice, it whispers love. It whispers, "You're good enough, because I love you. Your words are treasure, because they're your creation, and I created you to create. Your heart, your spirit, -they are beautiful because I gave them to you. (Ez. 36:26)" It says, "You can, because I made you."
I've listened to that first, hateful voice way too much lately.
I say, "lately," -what I really mean is for a very long time.

The result(s)?
A 3.5 year creative block.
A near paralysis of self-expression.
A near complete loss of identity (self-concept).
A feeling of being lost, blind, pointless, powerless, useless... need I continue?
(And even now, that voice says, "Aren't you being a little bit dramatic?" No, voice. I'm not. It's true... jerk.)

   I sealed off my heart -from the inside.
Don't misunderstand: I didn't guard my heart -I let the whole world in...
What I did was refuse to let any of my heart back out.
I've been afraid -stumped by that hateful voice around every corner. I guess I thought, "I don't really have anything worth saying in here." I believed those mean lies -that horrible, awful, deceitful, accusing voice. I let that voice win.

And I guess I'm writing all of this now because... I don't want that voice to win anymore. And because I'm so thankful that I've finally recognized it for what it is. And because it's a Brand. New. Year. and I'm not listening to the doubts anymore. I'm going to say what I think, feel, believe. 
I'm going to create.

 I'm going to create because that's what I was created to do.

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.

- T.S. Elliot

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