Saturday, July 16, 2011

You have me, You have my heart completely...

It's been such an amazing first week of camp at Long View Ranch. I can't explain the ways in which God moves, or the way His love envelopes.
I have to admit that I am completely humbled and captivated by how faithfully He loves. I am so far from perfect -but it doesn't matter, not in the slightest. I am a walking failure sometimes (haha), but that's not what it's about. It's about His love; His redeeming love. And it's about glorifying Him with everything I am. It's about accepting grace and forgiveness and living that grace and forgiveness out loud.
I've been thinking so much about the past, about my wondering heart. My love has been so disloyal, and there have been moments that felt so secluded, dark, and empty. I've had moments in which I felt completely worthless, faithless, and lost. And then there were those moments, in the quiet, when I lay in bed, scared mindless, and something inside whispered, pray. 
I see now, those moments were His faithful love. Those moments were Jesus holding His broken child in His hands, never letting go.

I could go on forever, but I'll just post this song instead:

Out on the farthest edge, there in the silence
You were there.
My faith was torn to shreds, heart in the balance
You were there
Always faithful, Always good
You still have me.
You still have my heart. 

Monday, July 4, 2011

July 4

On a day of victory, why do I feel so defeated?
This morning I woke up feeling so far behind. Maybe I'm finally realizing what the past couple of years have cost me -what not being true to myself and not holding fast to my beliefs has cost me...
What not believing has cost me.

But what good does dwelling on these things do? Maybe there is something constructive to it, I don't know. I guess pain and remorse are sometimes necessary for real understanding. I do believe in grace and I do believe in love and forgiveness, but maybe I don't believe enough to let myself walk forward too easily.

Maybe I should. It is a brand new day, after all, and I am working. Actually, I am striving, and maybe that is the problem. Maybe it is time to rest in grace and love, to hold on hope and focus on positive things, on what I can do for others rather than myself.

 My burden is heavy, and it is time to trade it for a lighter yoke.