Friday, September 9, 2011

On being luke warm.

Apathy sneaks up on you, and then jumps out screaming obnoxiously and waving its head and hands back and forth while making some hideous face that's meant to be goofy-scary. Times like these, I find myself in the midst of a situation wondering how on earth I got there, and knowing exactly how, all at the same time.
Maybe it's a questioning thing. A test of faithfulness?
 It's weighing what I want with what I need and deciding I'm tired of making the difficult, right decision.
Then it's the aching to be whole. Whole like I felt when I made the difficult, right decisions.
And then, I'm walking forward, back on track. And apathy is lurking in the shadows, waiting for the next best moment to jump out.

I just want answers. And ease.

I feel like the author of Ecclesiastes. Life is short, so eat, drink, and be merry. Focus on good things.
No, I don't really feel like that always.

I just want to find a balance. I'm always hot or cold, and things I do in one state completely oppose things I do in the other, so it's like I'm constantly climbing fences that my alter-ego has built.
Is this the struggle of the human spiritual condition? Or am I just strange?

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