Working through life issues within one post

I'm really discouraged.
I only have one semester of my undergraduate left... and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I don't even know what I want to do.
I have very general goals... and no real idea of how to attain them.
So... in the spirit of at least focusing on something... here are my general goals, in no specific order:

1) Make a meaningful difference in the lives of others.
2) Have a family.
3) Make art... especially with my (someday) kids.
4) Have a Bluegrass-Folk band.
5) Make music. Perform music. Record music. Share music. Enjoy music.
6) Love and be loved.

I've been thinking about Music Therapy a lot lately. I really believe in it. Playing and writing music has always been therapy for me. And I want to help people...

Music is such a powerful coping mechanism, and it's an opportunity to say what needs to be said without holding back.

For some, music inspires. For others, music gives courage.
Some may simply need a moment of escape from life... and how much more constructive is music than other avenues of escape?

And music is so valid; it expresses so many things: worship, love, guilt, anger, sadness, joy, compassion...

I guess this all seems very settled.

Say Anything

This is the third night in a row that I will turn this movie on in order to dose off happily.
I find that in my alone times, I always choose some romantic comedy to imagine as my own.
My last get-over-him-stop-thinking-about-it period revolved around 10 Things I Hate About You,
but this go-around, I find myself falling for a somewhat less conventional cutie... with an adorable awkwardness, endearing sweetness, and irresistible habit of saying whatever comes to mind.

Lloyd Dobler... you are precious.

In other news... I've found myself writing a lot lately. Constantly.
When I have an idle moment... I almost have to be writing.

The Saddest

The woman that sits next to me in Chamber Choir had a miscarriage this past weekend. Her husband is military, and currently deployed.
My heart is broken for her.
We are singing a song called "Autumn," and I think it will be difficult to get through after this. I will always think of her.

"Autumn" Text by Rainer Maria Rilke. Translated by Edward Snow.

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far off,
as if in the heavens distant gardens had withered:
they fall with gestures that say "no."

And in the nights the heavy earth falls
from all the stars into loneliness.
We are falling. This hand is falling.
And look at the others: it is in them all.

And yet there is One who holds this falling
with infinite softness in his hands. 

Grace.

I think I finally understand.
Grace is recognizing that the past has passed, that every day is a new day, and every moment is a chance to do better than before. To hell with the past. Who cares if they call you a hypocrite. It is time to step forward.

My fortune cookie today said,
"It is never too late to do well."

It has been far too long since I felt beautiful.

Questions that I can't answer

Is there someone else?
No, but there's the possibility that someday there may be.

I've been living a lie, and one thing that I've never wanted to be is a liar.
Alas, I am lying to you and everyone else,
because I am such a coward.

Dear God,
Give my heart peace.

I am horrified of the quiet time when I will be alone.