Friday, May 27, 2011

This beach is beautiful, but I find I'm sitting for hours trying to decide what to think about. Who to think about.

And I have so many questions.

So I sit and admire God's handiwork and thank Him for his vastness and apologize for my selfishness and wish I could be more like He created me to be and wonder what I'm supposed to do next and what my calling is and where I belong, where I fit.
This time is so full of questions and loneliness and fear... and a sincere desire to cop out and work for Olan Mills or something. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

They do, but I don't... yet.

I'm photographing my first wedding this weekend.
I'm half excited and half absolutely nervous. Documenting this momentous day in my friends' lives is up to me?
It's surreal, actually.
But then again, I am excited. I'm so excited for them. I'm so excited for her! I've sat next to her so many nights while she scourged the internet for inspiration, and tried to juggle her own desires with her fiancé's and her mother's and his mother's, etc. I can't wait to see how it all fits together. It's going to be stunning.

Exactly one week after photographing that wedding, I'll be traveling to Florida to attend another.
And two weekends after that?
I'll be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding.

So what is with all of this Love and Marriage? I know that it's wedding season, but why is it that this year I know all of the Brides and Grooms?
I'm surrounded by couples who have found that special someone. And I'm happy for them, very happy for them. And I'm excited for them, and I am full of hope and prayers and best wishes for them.

Yet, I can't help but wish for my own groom. Who is he? What's he like? Where is he? Who is he with right now? What is his life like? What is his heart like? Will my parents love him right away, or will it take years? Is he someone I know, or is he someone that I haven't met?
Will he fit right in with my family? God, I hope so.
Will he play guitar and drink beer on occasion? God, I hope so.
Will he have this beautiful, loving heart underneath his calloused, hard working hands? God, I hope so.
Will he love God and talk to me about it, and listen to me when I need to talk about it? God, he had better.  
And what about me? Will I be the woman he's always dreamed of?

Ah, well. There is a time for everything, and sometimes the waiting and the dreaming can be a lot of fun.
Especially with men like Russell Crowe and Gerard Butler on the big screen.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


My heart asks questions,
and soon after Your answers follow.
Your words are full of grace,
so gentle.

Help my unbelief. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

It's funny how things crumble,
How life comes a long and sweeps us all in separate directions.

It's funny,
We all start to miss some moment in our lives, some security we once had,
some innocence.

We all start to notice how our own hearts have changed, how the hearts of our old friends have changed,
How some have spiraled upward, and others spiraled down.

It's funny- we all miss each other and the unity, the friendship, the iron-sharpens-iron aspect of our community- that memory, that increment of time, how we ache for it.

So we project that ache on to each other, we blame, and judge, and glare, and whisper
when really all we want
is for things to be the same way
that they were before. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Awake My Soul

I was reading through my journal today. Some of the back-entries are so alive. Some are naive. Some are bitter. Some are beautiful.
More than anything though, they made me realize that I have been desiring the same thing for a long time:
It seems I am constantly trapped.

A thought occurred to me: perhaps to give to others you must keep yourself alive -spiritually, mentally.
It's difficult to offer anything of value to others when you are empty.

I, perhaps all people, have become so consumed by chores, studies, work, the internet (note: I am currently updating my blog) that introspection and personal renewal fall by the wayside. I fail to devote time for God -and God is my personal source of strength and renewal and passion.

My apathy is the result of ignoring God.

Awake my soul, for you were meant to meet your Maker.