On being luke warm.

Apathy sneaks up on you, and then jumps out screaming obnoxiously and waving its head and hands back and forth while making some hideous face that's meant to be goofy-scary. Times like these, I find myself in the midst of a situation wondering how on earth I got there, and knowing exactly how, all at the same time.
Maybe it's a questioning thing. A test of faithfulness?
 It's weighing what I want with what I need and deciding I'm tired of making the difficult, right decision.
Then it's the aching to be whole. Whole like I felt when I made the difficult, right decisions.
And then, I'm walking forward, back on track. And apathy is lurking in the shadows, waiting for the next best moment to jump out.

I just want answers. And ease.

I feel like the author of Ecclesiastes. Life is short, so eat, drink, and be merry. Focus on good things.
No, I don't really feel like that always.

I just want to find a balance. I'm always hot or cold, and things I do in one state completely oppose things I do in the other, so it's like I'm constantly climbing fences that my alter-ego has built.
Is this the struggle of the human spiritual condition? Or am I just strange?

Confessions of an introverted photographer

I usually feel incredibly awkward in social situations. I really like my alone time, but then when I have my alone time, I get incredibly lonely.

My photography professor and I had a conversation about content today. Photographic content. What is my content?

It took me a little longer than it probably should have to realize that I photograph the most when I'm somewhere alone, somewhere beautiful or warm or happy or intriguing. All of my favorite photographs are of things that I find incredibly pleasant (or ironic or interesting) and long to share with someone else.

I have often felt like an inferior artist because there's no deep philosophy or planning to my work. I just like to capture things I like -and share them. I like to pause, examine the things that I find beautiful, and somehow make someone else examine them too. Look at that gorgeous sunset, or look at the color of that chair against the color of the brick, or look at the laugh lines on that sweet woman's face. 


I guess the truth is that when I am photographing, I mean really photographing -not just doing some assignment, but really being me and taking pictures because I want to take pictures at that moment- well, it's really just a huge part of me saying, "I wish you were here. Whoever you are, I just really wish you were here."

Be proud of your bananas

I have a confession - I haven't been recycling since school started. I'm only one week in though, and I've mostly used my plastic water bottle/brita filter for drinking... but still... I've definitely tossed a few bottles this week. Gotta step it up.

I did, however, try to shop responsibly, and since I have this obsession with peaches and bananas, I decided to research my bananas. 

For the record, I buy Chiquita, and you can check out their adorable website here. Now, I'm not completely naive (debatable, I know), and I know that this is information from the company, not from any critics or whatever, but I did google-image their plantations and that all seemed legitimate. I still feel like that's a pretty futile research effort, though. Where does one go to find out the truth about these companies? 

We need another journalist like Upton Sinclair. Okay, so there's plenty of journalists out there like Upton Sinclair these days, especially since being socially responsible has become the "hip" thing to do, but I just need to learn how to find them. 

In other news, I went home for the summer, and when I returned to Clarksville I discovered that my church exploded. Not in the literal sense, in the metaphorical sense. Our little choir of 20-some people is now a vast choir of 60-some people, and all the leadership team just seem so happy, and it's not that superficial our church business is finally making a profit kind of annoying happy that you find in "successful" churches these days. It was a legitimate excitement. You know, that moment immediately proceeding an incredibly dry, seemingly stagnant period of life, when you look around and think My goodness, God, You're working and I can see it! It's like that kind of happy. I'm excited to see what happens!

A new morning

This was my devotional from Relevant on Friday morning. I didn't check my email until late last night, and I didn't feel like reading it then, so I visited it this morning. 

I have to admit, being here is much more difficult than I expected. Nothing is different, but it all feels so different. It's exciting on one hand, but on the other it's pretty scary. This year looms so heavily in front of me, that as of last night, I was seriously considering riding this semester out and then transferring to ETSU for my last semester. That would be a really drastic step, considering that the only requirement left in my major next semester will be my Senior Recital. 

All of that said, I am trying to stay positive. I shouldn't dwell so much on the painful things, but at the same time, I wonder if I should deal with them emotionally, and I wonder how. I've kind of avoided the topic all summer -which is really easy when I'm home and things feel like they're just like they should be. Who knows? This devotional really encouraged me. Things change. 

One thing that I truly believe is that positive thinking and forgiveness are not things that just "happen" over time -they are choices we have to make every single day.

Faith in Change

By Matt Litton

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"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
  Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV 

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LET'S FACE IT. We talk about change, but we don't handle change really well, and when we speak of change it isn't frequently that we can do it with our whole hearts, without the voices of cynicism falling down around us. But our faith is one built entirely on the promises of change. In fact, it is founded in the idea that change has already been resoundingly delivered. Our Messiah closed the deal on change when He emerged from the tomb. At the risk of sounding too much like Thoreau or the Hebrew mystics, maybe nature's rhythm is one of God's clearest messages to His people? Change is the actuality of life with God.

Time offers us the opportunity to embrace change, to allow the death of what needs to pass away in our own lives, allow the dawn of new creation, new creativity, new energy, and new life for our journey. The voices of disparagement and skepticism will say that I can't quit this or can't accomplish that, that I will never recover from a transgression or misstep.  But when Jesus rose from the dead he guaranteed that transformation would be completed in me, a promise woven so securely into the very DNA of Creation that even nature must model its truth in the grand symphonies of its seasons.

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How can you reconcile your relationship with change through faith in Christ?

Climbing atop my soap-box for a moment (because I feel guilty discarding it when I know it can be used for something)

So, lately I've been really convicted about waste. Waste... and environmental health... and starving people in America, and Africa, and China...
Maybe "convicted" isn't the right word, necessarily, but these are things that have really been on my mind lately --so much so that I utilized a paper grocery bag I discovered in the pantry to begin collecting all the plastic bottles and such around the house for recycling.
On that note, though, I'm thinking we really need to stop buying bottled water in the first place. I feel guilty every time I pop one open -especially when it's just a matter of convenience. I mean, recycling is good, but why not just try to eliminate unnecessary plastic waste altogether? By purchasing these 25 (or whatever) bottle palettes of water we're still contributing to that plastic-bottle-circle from that Brita commercial that stretched around the earth 190 times! (Great marketing, by the way. That one really stuck with me.)

It all boils down to this (for me, anyway) :
I am a consumer.
I don't produce, I consume. I go to the store and buy my apples and oranges and water and oatmeal and chicken and yeah, all of that stuff.
And I rarely consider where it's coming from.
Questions like What kind of pesticides do these farmers use and how is it going to affect the land for future crops? or How are these hormones and antibiotics in this chicken going to affect my body? or Could this cause genetic mutation? or Is my future sweet baby girl going to have a third eye? (okay, I'm exaggerating) never really cross my mind.

And when I buy that super cute shirt, or those really comfy jeans, or those astonishingly sweet flats, rarely do I consider where the cotton came from, or where the fiber was woven, or where the stitching was done and who did all of the labor and how they are treated or what kind of super cute, really comfy, astonishingly sweet clothes they may or may not (most likely not) have.

Heck, most of the time, I don't even consider the corporation running the store where I'm buying all of this morally compromised product! How do they treat their employees? How do they view philanthropy? What do they do to reduce waste? How does their CEO spend his/her billions? What are their trading policies?


And, honestly, these are all really important questions (except for maybe the one about my hypothetical tri-clops baby). And they're questions that I, as a consumer, can answer with my money by making informed, responsible choices. Where I shop, what I buy, what I reuse, what I recycle, what I stop using -all of that can make a difference. I may just be one person, and the difference may be small, but hey! At least Chaco will think I'm a hero.

A mediocre breakfast, cyanotype painting, and Photography Day

Today has been a really fun day, and I'm just... thankful for it. I saw earlier that it's National Photography Recognition day or something like that, so I took pictures here and there.

First of all, I really wanted to eat better today. I can't say that I kept the carbs down as much as I'd like, but I did stick to my calorie goal (Approx. 1300)... baby steps.

So, I started out with breakfast. I really wanted eggs and toast... so I made this strange variation of French Toast:

My calorie estimate:
3 Egg whites = 45 calories
2 slices wheat bread = 100
Pinch of cinnamon sugar = 15
1/2 banana = 53
Total = 213

Don't be fooled by the cuteness of it... It wasn't great. BUT it hit the spot.

Anyway... Here's what I really loved about today:

Painting a recycled canvas! I say "recycled" because that smeary stuff you see on there is a failed Cyanotype. (The chemical wouldn't stick to the sizing.)
So, the fact that this was almost a Cyanotype photograph inspired me, so I decided to make it a blue monochromatic landscape.

After a little progress ^

The photograph was taken on the Appalachian trail between Viking Mountain and Horse Creek. There's this spectacular exposed ridge line section with 360 degree views -Greene Co. to the left and vast wilderness to the right.

So, here's the finished product... my hand painted "cyanotype" reproduction:

Charlie Brown, PMS and Blue Grass... this is me after all.

I've always enjoyed Charlie Brown and his melancholy cartoon nature. From the "wahwahwahwah" voice of his teacher on the telephone, his dog with a mind of its own, and scenes like the one above... he just gets me.

It hasn't really been an awful day, but I am pms-ing which means that incredibly annoying combination of feeling horribly bloated and having the insatiable munchies. Ladies, you know what I mean.
It's like this: gosh, I feel so fat today... *chompchompchomp*... gosh, I feel so guilty for eating all of this chocolate and popcorn... 
It's okay though... I set my alarm for 6:45 and I'm heading to the YMCA at 8am with my Dad. I'm not sure what he's expecting out of this daddy-daughter workout initiative, but I fully plan on sweating the last two days out on an elliptical machine. (I love those things... they make my knees feel young again.)

One thing is for certain, I'm ready to get back to school and work out a daily routine. I'm not sure if I can handle another week of rationing my chores so that I have at least something to occupy my time tomorrow. However, I know in about 6 weeks I'm going to be wishing I had this kind of life, so I should embrace this moment... live in it, stop wishing for what's next like I'm really good at doing. ...but I am excited about this semester.

I'll only be taking 13 hours -that's the least number of hours for my entire college career. And I'm pretty set on getting guitar lessons (I've recently added embracing my passion for blue grass to my list of career options. Which reminds me, I have a joke for you: What's the difference between a turkey and a banjo? ...A banjo can't feed a family of four*. HA! Well, at least I laughed.)

Anyway, thanks for reading this totally pointless post. I think I'll go to sleep now.

*Oh, and joke credit to my wonderful friend Lou Murrey who makes me laugh.