Thoughts on balance and waiting

I may break.
I am so impatient,
so impatient that I ruin most things.
Myself.
I'm so impatient
That I am apathetic.
I've lost feeling
Passion.

The other day, driving down the interstate, cruise control on, mindless motion, hours of nothing.
I actually prayed for pain, or something, anything, that would awaken the passion that used to be present in my soul.
A love for others, now overshadowed by love for myself.

I want to reach beyond me, I want to love others more.

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I've been floating on happiness
Comfortably sprawled in its sunlight
My toes dipped gently in the water

This was an exciting place
One without difficult questions
and challenging answers
One without obsessive introspection
and self judgment

Shallow.
Now, I am longing for a season of depth.
Growth, wisdom, understanding.

Say for me "Love."

I want to get lost somewhere. I want a new adventure.

After class, I jumped in my car and picked up Steven. We ate Mexican food, and made a right turn out of the parking lot, from which we should have turned left.

"I bet if we turn up here it will get us back to campus eventually," I said.

Mumford & Sons drifted gently over the speakers beneath our conversation. Was it love or fear of the cold that led me into your arms? "That's my favorite line of this song," I said and repeated the phrase out loud.

The road that I chose began heading in an unexpected direction, and Steven noted the suspicious nature of the neighborhood. I felt the urge to just drive around -but I have so much to do.


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Now I have Living of Love by the Avett Brothers playing again and again on Grooveshark.
I packed up most of my things to take home this weekend, and my walls are almost completely bare. Almost.

There is one face that I just don't want to take down.
There's only one thing here worth hoping for... say love. Say for me "love."

Air.

The campus of Austin Peay and I are in desperate need of a prolonged break.

I just need the mountains.
And a good dose of "look on the bright side."

Working through life issues within one post

I'm really discouraged.
I only have one semester of my undergraduate left... and I still have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I don't even know what I want to do.
I have very general goals... and no real idea of how to attain them.
So... in the spirit of at least focusing on something... here are my general goals, in no specific order:

1) Make a meaningful difference in the lives of others.
2) Have a family.
3) Make art... especially with my (someday) kids.
4) Have a Bluegrass-Folk band.
5) Make music. Perform music. Record music. Share music. Enjoy music.
6) Love and be loved.

I've been thinking about Music Therapy a lot lately. I really believe in it. Playing and writing music has always been therapy for me. And I want to help people...

Music is such a powerful coping mechanism, and it's an opportunity to say what needs to be said without holding back.

For some, music inspires. For others, music gives courage.
Some may simply need a moment of escape from life... and how much more constructive is music than other avenues of escape?

And music is so valid; it expresses so many things: worship, love, guilt, anger, sadness, joy, compassion...

I guess this all seems very settled.

Say Anything

This is the third night in a row that I will turn this movie on in order to dose off happily.
I find that in my alone times, I always choose some romantic comedy to imagine as my own.
My last get-over-him-stop-thinking-about-it period revolved around 10 Things I Hate About You,
but this go-around, I find myself falling for a somewhat less conventional cutie... with an adorable awkwardness, endearing sweetness, and irresistible habit of saying whatever comes to mind.

Lloyd Dobler... you are precious.

In other news... I've found myself writing a lot lately. Constantly.
When I have an idle moment... I almost have to be writing.

The Saddest

The woman that sits next to me in Chamber Choir had a miscarriage this past weekend. Her husband is military, and currently deployed.
My heart is broken for her.
We are singing a song called "Autumn," and I think it will be difficult to get through after this. I will always think of her.

"Autumn" Text by Rainer Maria Rilke. Translated by Edward Snow.

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far off,
as if in the heavens distant gardens had withered:
they fall with gestures that say "no."

And in the nights the heavy earth falls
from all the stars into loneliness.
We are falling. This hand is falling.
And look at the others: it is in them all.

And yet there is One who holds this falling
with infinite softness in his hands. 

Grace.

I think I finally understand.
Grace is recognizing that the past has passed, that every day is a new day, and every moment is a chance to do better than before. To hell with the past. Who cares if they call you a hypocrite. It is time to step forward.

My fortune cookie today said,
"It is never too late to do well."